And The Snow Falls
by Fisket
Summary: Postanime One cold winter brings loss, guilt and difficult choices: when the whole world seems offbalance, Tohru, Shigure and the Sohmas are left to make sense of what little they have left. Gureru UNDER CONSTRUCTION heavy editing and whatever.
1. Autumn Leaves

Disclaimer: 'Fruits Basket', both anime and manga, don't belong to me and I'm getting nothing but a bit of simple joy from writing this story.

A/N: Hey there. Not much to say: I'll let you get on with the story and judge me by that (Not sure if that's such a good thing). Anyways, please, read on.

Warnings: Character death and general spoilers for the anime series.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls**

Chapter One

**Autumn Leaves**

That day, there was a thin frost on the ground, making everything look pale and distant. Tohru had breakfast ready for us as usual, and I woke to the subtle, appealing smell of perfectly cooked rice. Kyou was busy draining his usual carton of milk in the kitchen, a sullen look on his face, while Tohru put away an extra dish. She'd got out too many; there was more food than we needed on the table, as well. Her eyes were red.

Hatori picked us up soon after breakfast, and Tohru only nodded when I asked if she was ready to go. We drove in silence. I saw the last few red-gold leaves of autumn swirl to the ground on the way, caught in the cold breeze, skimming over the roof of the car. There wasn't much traffic; it was midmorning on a Thursday. Most people had already arrived at work or school, lives swirling on around us.

The main house loomed hazy and dreamlike ahead of us, and we went in the main gates. The traditional architecture made it even more apparent how set apart this place was; somewhere segregated and asleep to the outside world, dreaming of its past, snowed under a blanket of false peace, lost in the mists of its curses. It had never been so clear to me as it was that day how isolated we all were.

Momiji was the first to see us, a lone, blurred figure in the grey day. He waved a greeting, a small, sad smile on his face. We carried on past him, and I watched him in the wing mirror as he turned away, eyes clouded.

It's only a small place, the cemetery at the Sohma house. It's shaded by a few ancient trees, all bare at that time of year, looking lost and skeletal beyond the car windows, as Hatori stopped, and switched off the engine. The sudden silence seemed deafening, until it was broken by a little sob from Tohru. Kyou said nothing; he wouldn't look at any of us.

There weren't many people there, considering how popular Yuki had been. It was a small, quiet service, and Tohru's hand, which seemed so small that day, clutched at mine the whole way through it, as tears dripped from her chin.

* * *

I blinked slowly. Rain was pouring steadily outside the wide windows of my study, a fresh breath of air sighing into the room with the pattering sound of the rain. I sat at my desk, my chin propped in my palm. I wasn't too sure how long I'd been sat there, but I still hadn't written anything.

I closed my eyes.

Things had changed quite a lot in the last few weeks, and I instinctively knew they hadn't stopped changing yet. The three of them- Tohru, Kyou and Yuki- had all graduated from high school the summer just gone, and all three had had their own plans. Yuki had been accepted into a top university in Tokyo- he would have left a week ago. Kyou had intended to study martial arts further at a university closer to home, and he would have left three days ago. Tohru had planned to begin full-time work, but... Well, Yuki's death had left her in shreds, and by the time she was able to return to any kind of work, they'd given the position to someone else.

And I... I had planned to carry on living gleefully free of any responsibility that could be avoided, fantasising about high school girls and driving my editor insane with mind-games. But alas, little in this life goes to plan, especially when you're a Sohma.

"Shigure-san?"

There was a hesitant step out in the hall, making the floorboards groan slightly. The quiet voice was Tohru's, and I opened my eyes, wondering if I'd fallen asleep. My neck felt cramped. I sat back and stretched, yawning.

"Is there something you need, Tohru-kun?" I asked.

The door slid open and Tohru's face appeared. "Ah, I just wanted to let you know it's time for dinner. Ah!" she exclaimed softly, looking around at the shadowy room. I must have fallen asleep- it hadn't been this dark when I closed my eyes. The rain had eased, as well. "Are you all right, Shigure-san? It's so dark in here, you must not be able to read your writing!" She reached out for the light switch, but I lifted a hand, and shook my head.

"Don't worry, I haven't got any writing to read. Besides, I'm coming to eat the delicious dinner you've made for me now, aren't I?" I asked, smiling at her.

She half-smiled back, when the old Tohru would have beamed and been embarrassed at being complimented. As she turned away and vanished beyond the doorway, I saw the way her eyes fell half-closed with a sad look.

I stood and stretched more thoroughly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move, and a cold feeling danced up my spine as my glance darted across to see what was there. There was nothing but the rain falling outside the window.

I stepped across to close it, shivering slightly.

"You shouldn't be here," I told the room. There was no answer but the barely-audible wind, whining mournfully outside.

I left the study, closing the door behind me.

* * *

"Hello? Ah, Ha-san! How are you? ...Hmm? Akito? ...When? ...I suppose so. Why does he want to see me? ...Tohru-kun? I'm sure she'll be able to come... All right. I'll see you tomorrow then. Yes, fine. Bye bye, Ha-san."

* * *

Ah, another sleepless night. And I'd always been so good at sleeping. Perhaps the call from Hatori had made me think too much.

There was a creak farther down the hall, followed by another. Someone was awake, and I doubted it was Kyou; I'd heard the roof tiles clack less than half an hour before, so he was almost certainly still up there.

I knew, with a sad wretched feeling, who else was out of bed.

I rose and padded to the door, and out into the hall quietly. Sure enough, she stood in the doorway of Yuki's room, silent, not moving.

"Not again, Tohru?" I said. She turned slowly and stared at me, eyes empty and tears streaming down her face. "This must be the third time this week. Won't you stop soon?" I asked. She didn't respond at all, but just carried on staring at me.

It had been really creepy the first time- I hadn't realised right away that she was asleep. It was still distressing, on some level. I'd never been a sleepwalker myself- at least not to my knowledge- and I'd never had to deal with it before.

But Tohru was a good girl.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," I said, and walked over to her, reaching for her hand and grasping her little fingers gently, guiding her away. I couldn't help glancing beyond the open doorway as I steered her round, and the room overflowed with stillness, and a silence that welled up and over the memories that poured out of the floor, the walls and windows, the air itself. It had all been lost to this present calm, a world of cool moonlight between open curtains, and a perfectly made bed, ready for him to come home.

"He's not here, Tohru," I told her quietly, closing the door on the scene, leading her back to her own room and to her bed. Her tears still flowed, but she didn't make a sound. That was, perhaps, the most unnerving thing.

I got her into bed and tucked her in, bending to kiss her forehead gently. I felt some kind of regret, but I was too tired and too detached from it all to be saddened by it.

"Go to sleep now, my little flower," I whispered. She closed her eyes.

I stayed by her bedside some time longer, watching her sleep, and wondering when it would all end.

* * *


	2. Dragged Under

A/N: Thanks very much for the reviews of the first chapter, I honestly appreciated it. And in gratitude, this chapter is a bit longer, and took quite a bit more work, so I hope you enjoy it. Please, read on.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls**

Chapter Two

**Dragged Under**

"What? Why should I have to go?"

"I don't know, but don't make such a fuss about it, Kyou-kun. I think this is something important."

"Why would Akito want to see me?" Kyou snapped, eyes hard and hurt behind his messy hair, and he seemed more irritable than the mention of Akito would normally make him- more irritable than he'd been back when Yuki was part of our household.

He shoved his hands in his pockets moodily and stomped off up the stairs, grumbling to himself. I didn't hear his door slam though, so it was obviously just for show. Either that or his anger abandoned him on the stairs.

Hatori came by to pick us up. Tohru had put on a pretty blue dress for the occasion, perhaps sensing it was a big deal. She had yellow ribbons in her hair; they didn't really go with her outfit. I certainly had a feeling another significant change was in the air- and Kyou was right. Since when did Akito _want _to see him? Historically, the cat had been shunned by the Sohma family, and Kyou was no different to his predecessors. He'd found a temporary haven in my house, but I think we all knew it couldn't last forever.

It was a fairly mild day for the time of year. The grass by the sides of the road was almost all the green left, but it lent some brightness to the otherwise dull day as it swept past the windows, blurred and fuzzed. We reached the main house without incident, and I watched Tohru in the rear view mirror, wondering if she was dwelling on the last time she'd been to this place. Her eyes, downcast and distant, told me more than I'd really wanted to know.

Kyou was still irritable as we walked with Hatori to meet Akito. He kept glancing around, as if expecting something to lunge at him from the shadows. Perhaps his instincts were right: the house was gloomy inside, and the floorboards sighed beneath our feet; the whole building seemed to lie in a stupor, waiting for us to bring Yuki back home, his first home. It hadn't realised Yuki was already there, lying within its own grounds, and that he would never leave again.

Hatori showed us into one of Akito's rooms; a large, airy one that looked out on his personal courtyard, where a few birds sang from the limbs of the bare trees.

Akito was already there, waiting for us, shadows playing around him the way they always did. He'd always had a knack for atmosphere. I think he'd just always taken pleasure in subtleties, like sitting at just the right angle so that his eyes wouldn't reflect the light, or always leaving his kimono slightly loose, like a reminder that he wasn't completely in control of himself. He smiled at us, one of his more unnerving smiles, perfected over the years.

"Tohru-san, it's been a while since I've had the pleasure of seeing you," he greeted her, but he simply didn't have enough warmth in his voice to make it sound sincere.

I watched as Tohru knelt and bowed before him, saying, "Thank you for asking us to visit today," and smiling at him. I wondered if she could possibly feel as comfortable and earnest as she sounded. She'd seen Akito's dark side- she knew as well as the rest of us that he was disturbed and violent. No kind words or smiles could cure him; he wasn't a broken toy. He was beyond mending, I knew, looking at him watching us all with those calculating, suspicious eyes, that darting glance.

"Kyou," Akito said, his dark gaze flicking across to the bright-haired young man. Kyou grudgingly met Akito's gaze only to turn his head quickly away as if stung. "It's been almost a year…"

"Mm," Kyou grunted, his gaze hovering on a spot on the wall.

There was a small silence as Akito's gaze bored into Kyou, but I had no idea what he was looking for. I'd given up trying to follow Akito's thought process some time ago.

"It's good that you all came today. This does, after all, affect all three of you." I watched Akito as he spoke, wary of where he was going with this conversation. "I don't think you need to stay away in that house anymore. Tohru-san," he said, looking at her, "I understand you are looking for work."

"Ah, yes," Tohru said hesitantly. She'd already tied her own noose with that answer, and I wondered if she'd ever had a chance at saving herself from anything.

Akito smiled, a mockery of a benevolent parent's smile. "You can work for me, as a housekeeper here. Kyou," he continued, piercing the cat again with his stare, moving on to his next victim clinically and seamlessly. "Kazuma has agreed to live here again, so you will be able to spend more time with him, and continue your training. And Shigure," he finished, his gaze settling on me, me wanting to ask why he was really doing this, his smirk widening slightly as if sensing my thoughts. He'd always been a smug victor as well as a bad loser. "Your old rooms are all ready for you. You will be able to work in peace as always- and you'll be able to see Hatori and Ayame more often if you're here."

It was reasoning the two younger ones would buy, but I'd known Akito longer than they had.

There was another long pause, and a moment when I felt suddenly intensely weary, wishing they would all just go away and leave each other alone. They say tragedy brings out the best in people, but it really doesn't. Akito knew how broken his family was, but it was as if he wanted to see just how ruined he could make it, going through the wreckage to pick out things that could still be smashed. He was more destructive than a spoilt child who breaks something he can't have. He was pitiable in the worst sense.

"Will you come and live with me, then?" Akito said, his voice soft and insidious, eyes sharp and pinning us down. I glanced across at Hatori, but his eyes were a blank, obviously as unaware as me what Akito was planning. He was probably more disgusted than me by it all.

The other two said nothing. "Shigure?" Akito persisted, gazing at me, a serpent offering a new kind of apple. I glanced over at Kyou and Tohru, but neither of them were looking at me. They seemed oblivious to the implications of my decision.

The noose tightened.

"Shigure?" he asked again, his voice getting softer, and I knew I had nowhere to go with a refusal. I was too tired to bother thinking up an excuse.

I bowed, defeat settling heavily over me. "Thank you for your generosity, Akito-san," I said.

We'd left the golden age far behind already. Perhaps that made this the dark ages.

* * *

Kyou threw himself down in disgust. "Live with him? This is so stupid! Why did you agree, you idiot?" he rounded on me heatedly. So now he could yell, once we were home. He'd been quiet enough in Akito's presence. Tohru knelt to pour tea for each of us, seemingly oblivious to Kyou's mood- she was pretty used to it by then, I suppose.

I held up my hands in mock surrender. "Did you expect me to say no when he pointed out the benefits so well, Kyou-kun?" I said petulantly, knowing Kyou hated that voice- and of course, he bristled at me. Performing was good entertainment. "And I'm always having to fix the house with you being so violent all the time…"

He glared at me. "I don't break the house anymore! It was always that damn ra-" He stopped short, anger fleeing as fast as the colour drained from Tohru's face. He glanced across at her with wide, scared eyes. The only time I'd seen Kyou look like that was when Kazuma had taken his beads from him- and that day, at the hospital, the day Yuki died. When I'd rushed into the waiting room to see Kyou slumped in a chair, holding his head in his hands, and when he looked up at me, he had exactly that expression. Who could have known he could look so wretched…

"Tohru, I…" he started, but didn't seem to know how to go on.

Tohru smiled weakly at him, a complete lie, putting up a front as usual. "You didn't fight him as much as when you first came here," she said, trying to sound cheerful and almost succeeding.

"I'm sorry, I must go and start dinner," she said softly, excusing herself and leaving quietly. The door slid shut behind her and I looked at Kyou. He looked back at me, caught between anger and guilt. I shook my head, pitying him for his mistake.

"_Shut up!_" he exploded, striding to the door and banging it closed behind him so hard I winced. I heard his steps thunder up the stairs.

At least he hadn't broken the door, I noticed.

* * *

It had already been dark for hours by the time I crept to the kitchen. I'd written nothing once again, and was bored of my study.

I noticed the glow of lamplight before I saw Tohru sat at the table, her gaze fixed on something in her hands.

"Tohru-kun?" I asked, as I stepped from the shadows of the hall into the low orange light from the small lamp by Tohru's side. She glanced up at me and smiled tiredly.

"Good evening, Shigure-san. Aren't you able to sleep? Did you need a drink?" she asked, starting to get up. The thing she'd been working on fell from her hands, and I noticed it was a white shirt. Something about it tugged at my thoughts, but I wasn't sure why.

"Please don't trouble yourself, Tohru-kun," I assured her, taking a seat at the table next to her. She hovered uncertainly for a moment, obviously wanting to do something for me, but not knowing what. The eternal dilemma. Finally, at another encouragement from me, she sat back down.

"Mending Kyou's clothes again?" I asked, nodding at the shirt. I saw there was a small rip along the seam of one of the breast pockets, which had already been half-closed with nearly invisible little stitches. The needle dangled from its thread, glimmering in the lamplight.

Tohru shook her head with an odd little smile. "No… It was just that Kyou-kun mentioning fighting earlier… It reminded me of this shirt- I'd meant to mend it, but then…"

In an instant, I remembered; it was Yuki's shirt. He must have torn it in a fight with Kyou, weeks ago. And Tohru was mending it for him.

I leant closer to her, concerned and almost upset by what she was doing to herself. I was a little surprised to discover I could feel upset by anything anymore, but followed the impulse to do something about it without putting up a fight. "Tohru-kun…" I watched her, but she didn't meet my gaze. She only stared down at the shirt, her eyes filling with tears, still that strange little smile on her face. It worried me more than I would care to admit.

"He was going to wear it at the weekend, because we were all going to go to the cinema. It was his favourite shirt, so I promised him I'd make sure it was mended in time. He said, 'Don't worry, it's only an old shirt,' but I knew it was his favourite, so I said I'd mend it… I promised I'd mend it…" She reached for the material, and her hands started shaking. "I couldn't break a promise like that… How could I be such a person…" She stopped short with a little gasping breath, something like a sob but not quite, and her fingers gripped the shirt tightly, as if to stop them shaking.

"And now we have to move, and this won't be our home anymore, and everything's slipping away!" she spilled out, burying her face suddenly in the shirt, her whole body trembling.

I was shocked by it. It was too sudden; people really should be warned before they had to witness things like this. I'd never seen Tohru so broken- I knew the problems she was having, but she'd always seemed so strong in the past; even when Kyou's real form had been shown to her so brutally, she'd risen above it and saved him from his worst fears. She'd even faced Akito, and survived him.

But she must have had her own fears, her own worries. She must have had a myriad of awful memories behind that smile… She'd never spoken about the day of Yuki's accident. She'd barely acknowledged his death before. She looked small at that moment, hunched over the kitchen table, half in the light and half in the shadows.

How must it have felt, to lose two people she loved to car accidents? To see Yuki as she'd seen her mother, bandaged and dying?

I didn't know if she'd spoken to her mother before she'd died. I'd always assumed not, from what she'd said that day I first met her, when she'd blamed herself for not saying 'take care' before her mother left for work.

Had she been able to speak to Yuki? I wasn't sure what was worse; having to say goodbye, or not being able to say goodbye at all.

I reached out a hand, and touched Tohru's back gently, wanting to do more but entirely unable. I couldn't embrace her, but I couldn't just sit there. Not even I'm that heartless.

"He was so frightened!" she sobbed, and her whole body shook again. I could almost feel my heart contract, watching her relive some memory I was free of. It was a disagreeable sensation, but I didn't blame her for it. I stroked her back, trying to comfort her.

"It wasn't your fault, Tohru-kun," I said gently, the clichéd words spoken like a true friend. "It was an accident. There was nothing any of us could have done."

"But he's gone!" she cried, pulling back from the shirt to gaze at me with huge, tear-filled eyes. Her face was splotchy and red, her eyes puffy, but she looked adorable to me. I wanted to touch the red marks on her cheeks and feel how warm they must be. I wanted to kiss her.

I'd never really felt protective of anyone the way I did with Tohru. She was too innocent. It fascinated and bothered me. I couldn't leave it alone.

I moved closer, and I had to quickly remove my hand from her back as she suddenly leant into me, hiding her face in my shoulder, shuddering against me. I looked down at the top of her head, unable to do much but stroke her hair softly. One wrong move, and I'd be in my dog form, and then there really wouldn't be anything I could do for her. All I could do was savour the way she was so close. I could even imagine that I could feel the dampness of her tears through my kimono, and it was oddly reassuring. She cried to me, not Kyou or Yuki.

I glanced up at the movement of something in the corner of the room, beyond the top of Tohru's head.

Something turned away and was gone. Tohru could only cry to me; I shook my head at the corner of the room, as forbidding a return. She was mine just now.

Tohru's fingers clutched at the front of my shirt, and her tears wetted my neck as she raised her head slightly. The movement shifted my attention back solely to her, and I watched her intently, hedging my bets on what to do next.

When I said I was protective of her, I didn't say I was any good at it. If I was, she wouldn't be crying at all. Or maybe she would be. Honestly, I don't know. I'd always thought everyone cried sometimes.

I couldn't even remember the last time she'd been this close to me. I could smell her strawberry shampoo from her hair, and her normal, sweet, fresh-laundry smell. I ran a few fingers through her hair, and the motion caught her attention. She tilted her face up to look at me, tears making her eyelashes stick together as she blinked uncertainly. Her lips were reddened and slightly parted.

"Shigure… san…" She gazed up at me a little blearily, looking more like a lost kitten than a sex object. I still wanted to take advantage of her. I couldn't help it; it's in my nature. And she was too innocent- I already explained that.

"You should get some sleep, Tohru-kun," I said quietly, gazing down at her, detachedly impressed with my level of self-control. It would be so easy to kiss her now. I could imagine the way she'd pull back with a blush as my tongue touched her lips.

She blinked again, as if waking up, and looked away, seeming somehow ashamed. It woke me up as well.

"It's all right to cry, but Yuki would rather see you smile," I told her. I was so full of comforting, kind clichés; I impress even myself sometimes.

She nodded, and I helped her to her feet.

We ascended the stairs together in silence, and I could almost imagine that we were a married couple, heading to the same bed, that seeing her change into her pyjamas and slide into bed beside me was a normal part of my life. It was just as possible as hugging her. Ha, daydreams.

I really crack myself up.


	3. Underneath the Silence

A/N: Once again, I must thank you for the reviews. This isn't a fast-paced, terribly exciting or particularly unique story, but I do enjoy writing it and it really makes me pleased to think some of you are enjoying reading it.

Just so you know, the storyline is not set in stone at the moment, though key plot details and events are fixed, so if you feel strongly about something that you think should be mentioned or included, or have any questions, feel free to let me know. But I won't be answering any questions that give away the storyline or ending!

Moving on and moving out now; time to pack up all those old memories, though perhaps not for good. I hope you like this latest chapter.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls**

Chapter Three

**Underneath the Silence**

We started packing up the next day; none of us could find any excuses for wasting time. Well, none any of us would voice aloud.

Momiji joined us to lend a helping hand, but he really just got in the way. I watched him dancing around Kyou, laughing as the cat tried to swat him into the nearest wall, dodging so easily I wondered if the times he did get hit he only did it for the attention from Tohru afterwards.

I could have done without the extra noise I suppose, but Tohru's smile as she answered Momiji's myriad of pointless questions convinced me the rabbit was good for her. I myself hadn't seen him since the funeral, when he'd looked sadder than I'd ever seen him. His face was so young and innocent, it was easy to assume he'd never experienced anything distressing or heart-rending. He and Tohru were more alike than they knew, I thought. Neither of them gave away their sadness, as if concerned it would fill the air, and everyone else would breathe it in and be sad, too.

I was surprised at how much there was to pack. We'd been in the house for… Well, a few years I suppose, though it hadn't seemed that long. Time brought all sorts of things; like the extra set of towels Tohru had bought us last winter; the vase that stood by the phone, always full of fresh flowers; the various framed photographs that hung in my study, in the sitting room, in the hall; the bowl for fruit on the kitchen table; the books on cooking, martial arts, painting and drawing that lived on the shelves in the sitting room; the wooden massage tools that had ended up in my room; a small metal table with four chairs, set outside on the lawn by the house for sunny days; old trainers not worn anymore, presumably Kyou's or Yuki's, hidden in the corner of the entrance hall; the silvery-sounding wind chime in the window of Yuki's room. There were so many countless things that each had its own set of memories or associations, but I was ruthless, throwing out what wouldn't be needed anymore, throwing randomly into boxes everything I knew I'd still need.

I went out into the garden to sort out the table and chairs when I heard a faint, familiar tinkling sound. It was Yuki's wind chime, I knew instantly, but when I looked around and noticed there was barely a breath of a breeze in the air, it made me feel uneasy.

I stepped further outside until I could see Yuki's window, but I couldn't see anyone stood there; just the wind chime singing its pretty, melancholy song, metal bars glimmering faintly in the dull sunshine.

Perhaps I should have ignored it, but instead, I felt compelled to go up to Yuki's room.

The hallway was dim, grey like the sky outside, and quiet. The only sounds were Kyou and Tohru's movements downstairs, and the slight creak of the floorboards under my feet.

I walked to the door, and it was open slightly, allowing a select view into the room. It seemed empty. The wind chime's music had died away.

The uneasy feeling washed over me again, but despite it, I pushed the door gently, and it swung open silently. Anticipation caught at me, but I didn't know what exactly I was expecting; certainly not what I saw.

Momiji sat crouched by the window, one ear pressed against the wall, and his face had an expression of concentration, his eyes distant.

"What are you doing, Momiji?" I asked, taken by surprise- and that's an unusual occurrence in itself. The rabbit's big brown eyes flicked to me, focusing for a moment on my face, before slipping away again.

"Shh…" he whispered, lifting a hand to the wall by his head, as if getting more involved in what he was listening to.

I shook my head at him in confusion.

He looked at me again. "Can you hear it?" he asked, voice soft and sounding so childlike I was amazed all over again he was only a year younger than Tohru.

I stood still and listened, but I couldn't hear anything. My gaze fell on the bedside table, and I wondered when Tohru had last been in here cleaning it; it was devoid of even a speck of dust. I didn't like the idea of her being in here alone with the silence, cleaning up after a long-gone occupant. The thought reminded me of why I'd gone there.

"Was it you making the wind chime move?" I asked Momiji at last.

He kept his ear to the wall for a moment longer, before pulling away, rocking back on his heels and gazing up at me. He'd always been a bit strange, so his behaviour wasn't really too disturbing. I stared back down at him.

When he answered, he completely ignored my question. "This house is full of memories," he said in a near-whisper, with a wide-eyed expression. "It's like Yuki's everywhere…"

So maybe, sometimes, Momiji _was_ a little disturbing. His comment, and the way he spoke, made a little wave of goose bumps run over me. It had been too close to home- too similar to what I'd been thinking recently.

"We should get back downstairs," I said suddenly, shaking off the odd feeling.

"I'll be down soon," Momiji promised. "I just want to stay here a little bit longer…"

He leant his back against the wall, gazing up at the ceiling with an undecipherable expression on his face, that listening look in his eyes again.

If I were honest, I'd say I could almost hear it, but I left the room instead.

* * *

We ate our final evening meal in our home the following evening, crouched among the boxes in the sitting room, cupping warm bowls of steaming rice in our hands. The house was almost completely emptied of our presence. I thought it had lost us from the time when Tohru went around taking the photographs down, packing each one carefully in a specially designated box lined with bubble wrap. Unknown to her, I'd watched her place each picture in, stopping to look at each one as she went, and her expression had gone through a hundred different emotions. It had been like glimpsing part of her heart, watching her look at those photos. Some made her smile softly, as if recalling a sweet memory; some made her giggle to herself, maybe at some old private joke; some made her look pained, in a gentle, accepting way; a few made her wipe her sleeve quickly across her eyes, shaking her head as if to berate herself for crying. I knew those would be the pictures with Yuki in them.

Now, I stole glances at her across the small space of warmth and friendship between us, my attention helplessly diverted by the soft sadness in her eyes as she slowly ate her food. I knew Kyou had noticed her expression as well; he was watching her like I was, and occasionally darting a glance my way. He seemed to measure the distance between Tohru and I with his eyes, and I couldn't work out what he was concluding. The atmosphere was heavy and subdued. We didn't have Momiji to lighten the mood anymore.

I probably should have used my perceived personality of half-pervert half-child to cheer the two of them up, but I had no performances in me that night. I sighed into my rice and resigned myself to the gloomy atmosphere.

The next day, we would be moving into the main house, under Akito's roof and into his rule system. I felt like a chess piece had just been set in place somewhere, and it made me feel somewhat helpless. I really didn't enjoy feeling like that. What concerned me the most was that whatever these endless changes brought would hurt Tohru, or even Kyou. The loss of Yuki had thrust me into an unwanted sense of responsibility, that these kids needed me to look out for them, that I actually had some kind of effect on their identities and futures, and it weighed on me. I felt less than capable, given the circumstances- one of them was introverted and angry at the whole world, one was strong only in appearance, fragile and suffused with grief inside, and one…

It was rather distressing, to feel responsibility in cases like these.

Somewhere, like an echo in the back of my mind, a familiar voice whispered, "Don't worry," soft as the edge of a dream at the moment you wake up, but far more displaced. It made the darkness around the edges of the room seem too close, and the image of Momiji's distant expression the day before swam back into my mind. What had he heard?

I shivered and glanced up, only to meet the gazes of Tohru and Kyou. We'd all looked up at the same time.

"Did you…?" Tohru began, but didn't finish the question.

We all went to bed soon after, barely another word exchanged.

* * *

Grey mist clouded me, filled me with heaviness and loss. Stray fingers slid casually down my arm, across my chest, but I couldn't turn my head to see who touched me. As if from a distance, someone spoke, but I couldn't make out the words, or even if the words were intended for me. Someone paced at the fringes of my vision, eluding me. The movement dragged at my focus, pulling me back from the mist.

I felt something slip away, and broke the surface suddenly, emerging into a dark, soothing world of soft shadows and hush.

Except for the footsteps. Again.

I sat up slowly, feeling groggy with tiredness, blinking blurrily, and trying to find my bearings. The room was dark around me, except for a sparing veil of moonlight. It had taken me longer than usual to get to sleep- unless sleeplessness was my new normal- and I didn't relish the idea of leaving the comfort of my bed. The clock on the wall, just about visible in the dim light, told me it was just shy of two.

I passed my hand across my eyes, wincing slightly. The footsteps creaked on the floorboards again, reminding me of why I'd woken up.

Not again, Tohru…

I stood wearily and left my room, heading for Yuki's door, but as I reached for the handle, a quiet, rhythmic sound stopped me.

Someone was talking inside. I could hear it; a low murmur of a one-sided conversation, and the voice wasn't Tohru's. It was Kyou's.

I stared at the door in a mixture of curiosity and puzzlement, unintentionally trying to hear what was being said.

He was speaking too quietly for me to make out the sense of what he was saying, but his tone, which conveyed most of his feelings on its own, was subdued and soft. He spoke in snatches, as if he were stopping to imagine the other half of the conversation. There was a long silence, and I wondered if I'd been heard, and was about to quickly slip away, but then Kyou said something, only a few words, and laughed quietly to himself. The laugh sounded rueful rather than happy.

I pressed my ear to the door, all pretence of not being curious out the window. Who needs dignity in situations like this? Odd words and phrases became audible as I listened intently.

"…end up like this…"

"…really trying…if I can…"

"…better be right…" He paused, a long pause, and sighed. "I didn't mean it."

I blinked, brow furrowed as I tried to work out what that meant. Kyou fell silent, and his final words hung in the air, their meaning and context obscure and impossible to know for certain.

There was a tiny sound, like a snatched breath, and then more silence, and I wondered if Kyou was actually crying, a horrible feeling weighing low in my stomach. It disturbed me that I could picture Kyou crying with so little effort.

Feeling awkward and wrong, as if I'd poked around for a bit of gossip and found out an awful secret, I stood back from the door, and headed back to my own bed.

I didn't want to think of Kyou unable to sleep, sitting alone in Yuki's room, speaking to silent memories.

My family was really such a mess.

* * *

The move went surprisingly easily. Stood in my old set of rooms at the main house, looking around at the boxes yet to be unpacked, I tried to pick out a focal point; some specific moment when we lost our home for good, but it was hard to find one.

All I could think of was the way Tohru had looked back as we drove away from our home, a paleness in her face that made me somehow afraid.


	4. Changes

A/N: Sorry the update took a little longer than before. Don't worry; I am planning to carry on with this story right to the end, though updates may be just once a week.

Anyway, this chapter is a little different to the previous ones, so I hope you enjoy it. I look forward to any comments you may leave, and to writing the next chapter for you.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls**

Interlude I - Tohru

**Changes **

We moved into the Sohma house today. It was a little strange; I'd got so used to thinking of Shigure's house as my home, and I'd never really thought we'd ever have to leave. Akito's offer was so generous, though. He said I could work for him doing housekeeping, so I won't have to worry about finding a job, and it will be work I already know how to do. Sometimes I wonder how I can be so lucky to be taken care of so well.

Packing everything up only took a couple of days. I was surprised, but then Momiji came to help, so perhaps that's why it was done so quickly. I hadn't realised we had so many photographs around the house- I filled a whole box with them. I'd forgotten about that one of Kyou and Yuki that I took last autumn, the one with the two of them asleep in front of the TV, half sprawled over each other. It was such a cute picture.

I went to pack the things left in Yuki's room, but it was already done. I think Shigure must have done it. He's been a lot quieter lately than he used to be- he doesn't even make Kyou annoyed as often as he used to. I sometimes think there's something in his face that's changed. He seems to look at me more often now with a worried kind of expression, and I always want to tell him I'm fine, but it would be strange to say that when he hasn't asked me anything.

It's so hard to figure him out. He smiles so much, even when his eyes are sad, and I've noticed that he never really talks about himself. Yuki and Kyou would sometimes open up and say things that tell me what they're thinking or feeling, but Shigure never does that. It can be pretty confusing sometimes.

It reminds me of that night I went after Kyou, the night I saw his true form. I didn't expect anyone to come after me, but Shigure did. I thought if anyone came after me, it would be Yuki, or even Kazuma. But it was Shigure. He knelt in the mud, and seemed so desperate, but everything was so hard to really understand that night that I never really took in what he said, and I still haven't worked out what he meant by it. He looked so terribly sad that night. I think about it sometimes.

This morning, right before the van was due to arrive, I was calling Shigure to ask if he wanted anything to eat before we left, but he didn't answer. I ended up looking in Yuki's room, and Shigure was there, stood by the window, looking at the wind chime hung there.

I'd forgotten about it; I'd bought it for Yuki one day, because he'd said once that he found it hard to sleep because it was so quiet at night. I suppose he was always used to a little bit of noise, even at night, since he grew up in the main house.

I wonder how busy it is there. I've not been there many times, and it always seems so empty.

Oh, but yes, I found Shigure in Yuki's room, and he asked me if I'd heard the wind chime play recently. I said I hadn't, and he reached up and touched it, making it dance and make those pretty tinkling sounds.

It was so strange, how many memories that sound brought back. Yuki had been quite ill last winter, and I'd spent a lot of time in his room nursing him. I'd noticed that the sound of the chime seemed to soothe Yuki when he was fitful and feverish, so I used to push it gently over and over for ages at a time until he fell asleep. And when we were studying for our final exams, early spring, and the year before, too, the wind chime would play quietly as we worked.

Listening to it play, and seeing Shigure's face, I remembered so many things about the ways things were before Yuki died. I even remembered things about my life before my mother died.

That wind chime makes me so sad, but also happy, somehow. It made me feel lonely, almost, stood there listening to it. I wanted someone to reach out to me, because I just knew that would make me feel better, but I don't know why.

Shigure seemed to shake something off himself, and he smiled at me, putting his hand on the top of my head before he went downstairs. I felt a little less lonely after that.

He seems to touch me more lately, in lots of little ways.

I like it when he's close by. It makes me feel... safer.

I was so sorry to cry in front of him, that night in the kitchen, but Shigure told me not to worry. He touched my lips with his fingertips to stop me talking when I apologised, and just said, "Shush, Tohru-kun. Never apologise for crying." He sounded so serious, even though he was smiling.

He's so hard to figure out.

I keep thinking about that night I cried, though, for some reason. I've never sat so close to Shigure for so long before, and the way he touched my hair made me feel sort of shivery. But it was nice. It made me feel calmer.

I'm not sure how to understand him. He seems to know things that I can't work out, and he thinks about things in such a different way to me. Sometimes, his eyes will close up, as if he's just shut himself away so no one can see him anymore. His eyes look very old sometimes.

I hope he doesn't blame himself for Yuki's death. But I think all of us blame ourselves.

I think even Akito blames himself.

I saw him tonight. It was difficult to sleep; I was so used to my old room, and the bed felt different. I felt kind of out of place, like the house hadn't accepted me yet and was uneasy with me there. I'm so silly, I know.

The hallways were dark and still, and each room I passed was too quiet and so empty, and I really thought I'd get lost if I walked too far... but something kept pulling me forwards. And just when I felt almost too tired to walk any farther at all, the corridor opened up into a big open space, with steps down to a little garden. It was a lovely place, rocks set out in pretty patterns and the bare branches of the trees twisting gracefully in the moonlight. The stars all swam out overhead, thousands and thousands. It was so still and calm.

Something moved, and it scared the life out of me. A figure in the garden turned to look at me, and the angle he leant his head, and the way his hair fell across his face, was so perfectly familiar to me I almost couldn't breathe with all the hope that filled me up so quickly.

I whispered, "Yuki-kun," but when he smiled, it cracked the picture and it wasn't Yuki anymore, and it never would be, and it hurt so much I was shaking a little.

"It's late to be awake, Tohru-san," Akito said softly, and I wished I was anywhere but there. I was so embarrassed to have mistaken him for Yuki, and still trying to calm down from the shock, I couldn't even think of how to move when he stood and came towards me.

He reached out and touched my cheek with his fingertips- just his fingertips, and so gently I almost couldn't feel it- but his fingers were so cold I shivered.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I said quickly, feeling terrible to have disturbed Akito's privacy, and to have troubled him.

He smiled again, and his fingers slid down the side of my face. I wanted to lean away, because being touched so softly reminded me of Shigure, somehow, but they were too different. It scared me a little.

He told me I should go back to bed, and I left right away.

Something about that little garden that was enchanting at first became eerie once I'd seen Akito there. I'm shivering a little again, just remembering it. And I still can't get to sleep just yet.

But I'm glad. I am glad.

I'm glad we still have a home we can all share together, even if it will take a little while to get used to. As long as things stay the same for just a little while now, I'm sure we'll all be fine. I just have to remember how things have already changed- it's silly of me to be so forgetful. It's silly of me to see Yuki in the empty corners of rooms, or on the stairs, or in the garden. I can't believe I saw Yuki in Akito like that. I must try harder to remember.

Like earlier today. It was chilly outside, and I'd suddenly thought I should find Yuki's scarf for him, but then I remembered.

You know, chilly days in autumn, like today, always made Yuki's face look gentle- the grey daylight reflected in his eyes and made them soft. And I think, perhaps, if I can still picture that, it'll be okay. Even if it means I have to remember all over again that he's gone. I think it'll still be worth it.

I don't want to forget things like that.


	5. As If Drowning

A/N: Thank you for the reviews- there were some lovely comments there that made me really happy with how this story is going, and I'm so gratified to know that you're enjoying reading it.

I know it isn't very fast-paced, but I promise you there is a plot in motion here, and the wheels are already turning inexorably towards my intended conclusion (not that the conclusion is particularly near at hand, by the way- we have a way to go yet). So it really is only going up from here. Or down, depending on your perspective. Meh.

Anyway, enough of me. Please, read on.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls**

Chapter Four

**As If Drowning**

I sighed.

It was one of those days- the kind that are really long and dull, when nothing really seems to happen, and you keep sinking into a stupor from the sheer boredom of it.

A fly was buzzing around the room. I tilted my head slightly, trying to spot it, eventually finding it only to lose it again as it flew in front of the shelves of dark leather-bound books on the far wall. I could hear it darting around, busy busy busy with going nowhere.

I sat back a bit in my chair, and stared at the screen in front of me. There were about two pages of writing carefully typed up on it, staring back at me, but the words weren't interesting anymore. I couldn't even remember what the story was really supposed to be about anymore. The fly's buzzing had stopped. The window was open a little; perhaps it had flown out at last. I scratched my chin distractedly.

The sound of the computer- that high, whining, alive sound- crept into my senses. It hummed, faint but shrill, through my brain until I noticed I had a headache.

I wondered if I'd expected anything to really change once we'd moved. Had I thought my ever-solidifying writer's block would miraculously vanish? Had I imagined Tohru would suddenly depend on me as her most vital source of happiness? Had I really expected Yuki's death to not matter any more?

Somewhere far off, a telephone rang, the sound drifting through the window, lost and out of place in the quiet. I sighed.

The Sohma house was so still. Sometimes, like at that very moment, I felt like I was drowning in it. It was like what they say about freezing to death under a blanket of snow; that it's peaceful, that the cold begins to feel warm and gentle once you give into it, and you drift gently into a welcome sleep from which you simply never wake.

The Sohma house drew me into dreams that felt muted and cottony, something comfortable to float through. It was easier to surrender to them there, sat in the heart of the miasma of stillness.

Like someone speaking to me in my sleep- like hearing Kyou talking on the other side of Yuki's door- the voices came back to me.

'_Shigure-san! Shigure-san!'_

I feigned sleep, the most difficult part of the act being stopping myself smiling at my game.

'_Hey, Shigure-san!'_

'_Nnnnh…'_

'_He's just teasing you, you know.'_ I wished he wouldn't always ruin the game.

Small hands smoothed my hair, the touch almost maternal, but the voice was too mischievous for that.

'_I know that, Hatori. Hey, I know you're not asleep!'_

I caught quickly at the wrists, stopping the hands in their tracks, and leaned slightly forward to nuzzle at the soft skin of an exposed neck.

'_Aah…'_

'_Shigure. Stop that.'_

A knock.

"Can I come in?"

My eyes snapped open, and I was back in reality again. Someone had brushed the snow off. I hadn't even intended to let the memories find and seduce me so easily.

"Of course, Ha-san," I said cheerfully. The stillness ebbed away, suspicious and despising sound and company. My door opened, and the doctor entered.

He looked even more poker-faced than usual. It meant he was going to talk about something serious, I knew from experience. Hatori was like that- he always had been, actually- guarding his thoughts and feelings so thoroughly that he may as well have had a mask for a face. The only time I saw him smile was with Kana. And with Tohru, once.

"I know you can't bear to be without me, Ha-san, but it's only been an hour since lunch. I'm sure you can wait until dinner to see me again," I said patiently.

He just looked at me.

I sighed resignedly. "All right, I'll make an exception, just this once. The desk or the floor?" I asked considerately, starting to rise and moving to undo the knot of my belt.

Hatori's lips pinched together slightly in that way they always did when I joked in this particular vein. It's never ceased to amuse me.

"Shut up, you complete fool," he said flatly.

I beamed at him.

Ten minutes later and we were seated comfortably, each with a cigarette and both waiting for the real subject to be approached.

Hatori pushed his fringe back impatiently, a stress-related reflex, and immediately dipped his head forward quickly to make the hair fall back into place over his injured eye; a more self-conscious reflex.

I pretended not to have noticed.

"You want to know why Akito asked us to live here again, right?" I said at last.

"Do you know?" he replied bluntly.

I took a long draw from my cigarette, contemplating it.

"No, not really," I said finally. "But I have several vague ideas. Only the same ones as yours, I'm sure."

"Hm."

We sat together in companionable silence for a few moments, and I fingered my cigarette absently. The computer's whining started encroaching upon my hearing again, and I got up to switch it off.

"Will you be able to protect her?" Hatori asked. I wished he wasn't always so blunt.

I reached for the 'off' button, and listened for the death of the metallic keening.

"What do you think?"

The screen went black, and Hatori closed his eyes as he took a drag of his cigarette.

He didn't seem to realise that I was actually asking.

* * *

I pricked my ears, my glance rising to the wall, then flicking to the window. A low, steady beat was what drew my attention- which wasn't hard, given that I was so bored I'd already started decorating my would-be notes with doodles of Tohru. Hatori had left over an hour earlier, and I'm not suited to such a total lack of stimulation for so long.

The whole plan of sitting in front of my desk until I actually got something written suddenly seemed pointless and stupid. The words just weren't coming, and I was kidding myself if I thought that would change anytime within the next few hours. Besides, I welcomed distractions on a _good_ day. And this was one of _those_ days.

Discarding a sudden mental image of my editor sobbing her way to the nearest cliff edge, I rose and wandered from my study, heading for the sound. It became clearer as I went, the beat gaining a base line, then some definite drums, a lead melody, and finally an angry-rock-music type vocalist.

When I slid the door open, the music hit me in the face, and I wondered if I'd just doomed myself to tinnitus.

"Kyou-kun?" I asked loudly, blinking at him over the noise. He didn't hear me.

He was exercising, I supposed, judging by the seamless stream of angry movements he was working through, quite a few of which looked like they'd be painful to be on the receiving end of. I wondered if he was picturing someone as he went through each punch, kick or dodge.

His face was a picture of concentration, which was quite a rarity. Really, if he had that look more often, I might be able to take him a little more seriously. But he's just far too easy to annoy, and it's so much more fun to wind him up than be serious with him.

I reached for the CD player- fortunately within arm's length of the doorway- and switched it off. Kyou spun round, and glared when he saw it was me.

"Deafening yourself won't be an excuse for not listening to me when I ask you to do chores, you know," I told him, wagging a finger at him. He bristled.

"Don't barge in without knocking!" he shot at me, striding towards me with a particularly unfriendly look on his face. I stepped back from the doorway, sensing physical danger. Kyou was always so disrespectful towards me, I could sigh just thinking of it.

"But Kyooooou-kuuuuun, you wouldn't have heard me even I had knocked! Your music was so loud the doors were rattling," I complained, and he scowled.

"Don't whine like that, it's disgusting! And don't come in my room at all if you can't knock!"

"But I'd never come in _your_ room, Kyou- I go elsewhere for that kind of thing. You're just not my type," I said, offering him a sympathetic look. "I know it's hard, but you'll just have to find someone else, someone as loud and stupid as you, someone who shares your interests… Do you know anyone else who likes losing fights to everyone?" I asked brightly.

"_You stupid little-_"

I shut the door in his face.

I didn't hear his door bang as I made my swift exit, so he'd obviously decided not to bother hunting me down and skinning me this time. I scampered round the corner, smugly satisfied with my work, glad the day was no longer completely wasted, and headed off along a narrower corridor, which I knew led to the central garden. I could circle back to my rooms easily from there, and enjoy stretching my legs a little in the process.

I reached a short flight of stairs, but as I started to descend them, someone appeared from a nearby doorway and hurried my way, face down and obviously unaware of me.

At the sound of my step on the stair, she suddenly looked up, and her face was visible, though I already knew it was Tohru. She saw me not a moment too soon, since she was about to collide with me. The risk of her inadvertently making me transform wasn't the first thing on my mind, however; it was her expression. Even in a single glance, it struck me as… strange. I couldn't put my finger on it.

Her surprise at suddenly seeing me made her miss a step, and she stumbled, letting out a little cry.

I flung out a hand to catch one of hers, pulling her forwards in time to stop her tumbling back down the stairs and onto the floor. Her fingers closed reflexively around mine as she regained her balance, the grip tight, and it reminded me abruptly of Yuki's funeral, when her hand had clung to mine as if that touch were the only thing preventing her crumpling to the ground.

Her head snapped up, her eyes fixed on mine over our linked hands, and that odd look was still there.

"Tohru-kun?" I asked, brow furrowed. I squeezed her hand slightly, wanting her to react, and give me a clue to the reason for her expression.

A mist seemed to clear from behind her eyes, and she smiled. "Thank you," she said, her grip changing as if to let go of my hand, but I didn't let go of hers.

"Are you all right?" I asked seriously.

She nodded, and I descended a step, bringing us within a foot of each other. She tried to let go of my hand again, and I reluctantly released her. I looked at her quizzically, but she just smiled at me in her usual way. It was as if I'd only imagined the way she looked a moment before.

I wasn't going to get an explanation, I realised. I went for the next best thing, and, putting on an airy tone and shrugging elaborately, I said, "I save a Tohru-kun who can't even look where she's going, and all she does is say 'Thank you'. She's not really grateful at all."

Tohru's eyes widened and she stammered quickly, "I'm very grateful, Shigure-san, and if there's anything else I can do, please just tell me! I'm sorry!"

There was the old Tohru. I shook off my feeling of unease and aimed for greater things.

"Isn't the grateful princess supposed to kiss her knight in shining armour?" I asked cheerfully, and I let her get flustered and red for a few seconds before leaning closer and saying quietly, "Or maybe the knight should kiss the princess…"

"What- but!" she cried, before I suddenly took her hand and lifted it to my lips, kissing her fingers softly.

She went even brighter red and mouthed something incoherent.

I smiled as something warm and possibly fuzzy swept over me. Tohru is far too cute for someone like me to resist. She has _no_ idea at all.

"There's my Tohru-kun," I told her, and let go of her hand.

She stood frozen on the spot as I turned to head back to my room.

* * *

When I slid my door open a few minutes later, still chuckling to myself, I immediately sensed another presence in the room, and my laughter caught sharply in my throat. I felt abruptly uneasy, and all the light, sweet feelings from my brief meeting with Tohru died in that instant, leaving me feeling empty and sending a wave of foreboding sliding through me.

Just like that, I knew my day, which had finally started improving, was about to be reclaimed by the deathly stillness of the Sohma house, and the unavoidable darkness of its curse.

Emerging from shadows I hadn't even noticed in my room before, the expression on the intruder's face told me I wasn't going to like what he had to say.

"I need to talk to you, Shigure," Akito said, that soft hiss in his voice, turning to fix a dark, glassy stare on me. In that moment, like a faltering flame guttering in the onset of icy rain, any hopes I'd had for happiness in that house abandoned me.

I shivered against my will under his scrutiny.

He stepped past me to slide the door shut, his body deliberately brushing ever so slightly against mine, and somewhere, another chess piece moved, as the dull, metallic keen of my computer began to fill the silent air.


	6. Something Like Perfect

A/N: At last I can update- the problems with the site have been a little frustrating, huh? But the site is back, and so am I, with a nice big chapter for you.

Thank you again for the reviews of the last chapter- Insaneblackheart, I appreciate the sentiment on Shigure and Tohru's relationship. I also get bored when couples get together too quickly, hence what I'm doing with my couple here. Thank you for your faithful reviewing, Wolfwoods, I always like to hear from you. And I loved that Shigure kissed Tohru too- I was giggling to myself when I wrote that bit, hehe. Meepghost, your request has been approved, though only in brief for the time being- but I promise Aya will be in this story. To my very smiley reviewer, thank you for the cookie, and you're very welcome. I love Gureru fics myself, hehe. And celestialgoddess13, your reviews really keep me motivated- thank you very much for the thought you put into them, and for reading this story.

Thank you all, and I hope you enjoy the newest instalment.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls**

Chapter Five

**Something Like Perfect**

Akito circled me slowly, close enough to keep some small amount of contact stinging between us. I was both repulsed and trapped by it, and the darkness in his eyes reminded me all too well of the times he'd given into his madness; the violence he'd unleashed on Hatori, Kisa, Yuki, me; all of his family, at one time or another.

Standing that close to Akito was like pacing a cobra's path. His eyes watched, always. There was a sick tension forever carving through him, reaching out to drown anyone close by. And stood there, then, with Akito coming to a halt in front of me, moving as if in slow motion, his stare clawing through my barriers, I admit I felt afraid. I felt as if I'd been reminded of my place in Akito's world.

"You know, Shigure… Tohru-san likes you very much."

His voice was a soft hiss in the quiet, adding a new layer to the sibilant whine of my computer. I gazed unblinkingly back at him, feigning nonchalance. I'd let him spill his poison out. I'd let it pass right over me.

"You let her act like your little housewife all those years. I think she really feels like your wife now. Your perfect little wife." He smiled. I was sickened. The sensation made the corner of my mouth twinge downwards slightly, a tiny movement, but Akito caught it. He truly does enjoy subtleties.

"You know, I think she'd cry over you, if you were ever cruel to her," he said with mock-thoughtfulness. He lifted a hand to catch the neckline of my kimono between slender, pale fingers, his gaze lowering to watch his own movements.

He cocked his head slightly. "I think she'd do anything for you, Shigure." He slid his hand downwards, the heavy cotton making a soft slithering sound as it ran through his grasp. "I think she'd kiss you if you wanted her to."

His eyes rolled up slowly to meet mine again, staring through his dark hair at me. He slunk up against me, body pressed slightly against mine, putting his face up by my ear as he whispered, "I think she'd sleep with you if you asked."

I took a step back, shocked out of my stoic forbearance. I stared down at him with undisguised disbelief and disgust, horrified at this suspicious, creeping, slithering thing that seemed so intent on corrupting the one person whose innocence truly mattered to me.

Did he know I desired her as much as he desired her downfall? Did he know how much I hated that I could only buy my satisfaction with her innocence? Akito was well acquainted with corruption, I knew. And he knew the price of everything; he knew what cost came with any measure of achievement.

"Don't worry," he said, his eyes going icy at my horrified expression. He released my kimono. "I've already made everything much easier for you."

He stepped past me and reached for the door.

"Akito!" I demanded, turning quickly to look at him angrily. "What-"

"Just remember what I said," he interrupted me carelessly. "She'd do anything. So be sure to ask _nicely,_" he finished nastily. He slid the door open and swept out, stealing back down the hallway and out of sight.

I shut the door behind him and rocked back on my heels, shoulders sagging as his presence melted away. Turning and sinking back against the wall, I tried to gather my thoughts, almost ill with what I dreaded he was asking of me.

* * *

The days began to pass more easily, and the sense of foreboding Akito had drawn over me slowly faded into the background, though it didn't subside.

I knew him well enough to know he never failed to act on his plans, and that those actions were usually difficult to predict or connect to his intentions. But, rather than let it trap me, I forced upon myself a new liberation, using my new free time to revisit old friends and get to know the main house again.

My visits to the place had grown less and less frequent over the years, and I hadn't been a common sight there in the first place- not since I moved out with Yuki. So it was that the child inside me revelled in finding that the apple tree in the garden still bore the notches of three boys' growth, that the cat who haunted the kitchen, old and stiff-legged now, still remembered me and purred when I stroked her, and that the small closet in the hall by Momiji's room still had that tucked-away corner at the back, the one a small boy playing hide-and-seek could just about fit into if he curled up extra tight. Ayame and Hatori never had discovered my best hiding place.

Being at the main house did have its perks, seeing my more favoured relatives more often being one of them. Momiji and Haru were still both at school, unfortunately, in their final year by then, so I didn't see them very much. Haru, however, seemed to go out of his way to see me now and then, and I couldn't help wondering why. He'd always been hard to read- in white mode, at least- but I had no urge to push the question.

As we sat together in my study one day, Haru watching the grey sky and persistent drizzle outside, me lazily attempting to organise my notes, he asked me if I liked living at the main house.

"In some ways, yes, in other ways, no," I said noncommittally. He didn't turn to look at me, chin cupped in his hand as he stared out the window. His profile gave nothing away.

"It's full of memories," he said, and I wondered how many times I'd hear that phrase before the year came to an end.

"Momiji told me your house was full of memories, too," he added calmly. "He said Yuki was in every room."

I felt the old, distant sadness creep over me again, like the melody of a familiar old song, and it was difficult to smile, so I didn't bother.

"It's so depressing, isn't it?" I asked rhetorically, with mock-cheerfulness.

Haru's expression didn't change at all.

"No," he replied slowly, softly. "Momiji said it was happy."

I cocked my head, but he still didn't turn or look at me.

Haru paused again. "He said he could still hear laughter everywhere. He just wished he'd lived there with you all."

I half-smiled, understanding, and joined Haru in gazing out at the dull day in silence.

It wasn't so hard to figure out why he'd been seeking my company, as I sat in silent companionship with him that day, mulling over his words. No matter the complications they may cause, problems are almost always fundamentally simple.

Seeing his cool, empty face, I knew he was just lonely.

Yuki's death had been hard on everyone, but I knew how Hatsuharu had felt about him. He hid it well behind his calm, composed demeanour, but I could feel the sense of loss that hung about the kid; like the cold in the air after a frost, the aftermath of his pain made his eyes a little less expressive, his movements a little slower, as if inhibited by his grief.

His walk always seemed to have a specific direction when he left my room, however, and I was curious about where he was going, but, like the subject of Yuki, the topic of how he coped with the situation seemed too hard to broach. I couldn't summon the energy for it.

Energy was in short supply all round that year, as the winter set in. I think the cold leeched it out of us all. Even Ayame was less exuberant than usual, but then it wasn't hard to understand. His little brother had died.

They never really had connected the way Aya had always hoped.

"You know, Gure-san," he'd said to me once, "I think I was somewhat selfish towards Yuki. Truthfully… I think I was unforgivably selfish."

His eyes had been full of sadness, a small, unconvincing smile on his face as he said it, and it pained me to look at him. But I'm selfish too. I smiled encouragingly at him and changed the subject.

I still dislike myself for that. It's far too easy to think someone in pain only wants to be told it's okay, and that the best thing is to stop them crying, but that's really a terribly immature attitude. Someone in real pain needs to cry, and to stop them only makes them feel pathetic for losing control in front of you.

I've known Ayame all my life, but I could still be knowingly selfish towards him. All I know is I just didn't want to deal with it; I didn't want to face Ayame's pain. It was too much, from someone who wasn't supposed to feel that degree of sadness. It was easier to say, 'silly, same old Ayame' than to look at who he really was; who he'd become.

I still wonder what sort of person I am, that I could do that to Aya. Because Tohru, my little Tohru; she can always cry to me.

I hope she will always cry to me.

* * *

Akito had told me that he'd made everything easier for me, but I hadn't realised what he meant by it at the time. My shelved worries about his schemes barely even concerned me anymore by the time he made his move.

The realisation came nearly three weeks after his confrontation with me, as I enjoyed a quiet evening after dinner, reading a book in the comfort of my bedroom. The peaceful silence was disturbed as I heard movements in the room next door, and I lowered my book, lifting my gaze to the wall in puzzlement.

That room had stood empty and unused since we'd been back at the main house, though it hadn't always been so. My study had once been Hatori's room, and the room on the other side of mine had been Ayame's; for years, we had seen each other every day, sharing almost all of our time, living in the same house and practically in the same room, considering the fact that all three rooms were connected by sliding doors.

So, when, at nine o'clock that night, I heard movement in that room of old happy memories, I was naturally very curious.

Sliding open the door and poking my head around to look through, I saw Tohru hanging clothes up in the wardrobe, her back to me. She didn't notice my presence until I coughed politely.

"I'm sorry!" she excused herself quickly as she turned around, before realising it was me, when she flushed bright red and glanced around the room self-consciously.

"Tohru-kun," I said with a tone of lazy interest, "Why are you putting things in here? Is someone using this room now?"

"Ah, I'm sorry, I should have told you… I thought… Um, that is, I'm using this room now, I hope you don't mind too much," she stammered, obviously feeling awkward in the extreme. I wondered where her sudden nervousness had come from. She'd never been that uncomfortable around me before, and I was sure it wasn't the new position of her room- after all, we'd only been living down the hall from each other at the old house.

I raised an eyebrow and frowned quizzically at her. "Is there something the matter, Tohru-kun?"

She shook her head vigorously. "No, not at all! I'm fine! I'm just making sure everything is set and tidy before I go to bed."

I suddenly noticed the bed in the corner properly for the first time.

Tohru was going to be sleeping in that bed tonight, a few scant meters from me.

She was going to have to get changed into her nightclothes first, though.

For a few seconds at least, she was going to be naked in the room next to mine. With only a sliding door between us.

The room suddenly felt a little stuffy, and there was a tingling feeling buzzing through me, focused in my fingertips and my chest.

At that point, I didn't even care what excuse Akito had given Tohru for this arrangement. I was too preoccupied with my anger that he'd bait his hook with the most tempting lure available.

And just stood there looking at me (now slightly puzzled, since I'd been staring at the bed for a couple of minutes without saying anything), her hair not quite tidy and wearing a simple blue dress, Tohru still looked more desirable than anything I could imagine. I wanted to grab her and claim her the only way I knew how.

Damn Akito and his godforsaken greed for making everyone miserable.

"Um, Shigure-san?"

I blinked and looked back at Tohru.

"Can I help?" I asked suddenly.

She looked confused.

"Putting things away, I mean," I clarified.

She made a little 'o' shape with her mouth and her face cleared. "Oh, thank you, but I wouldn't want to cause any trouble, I'm sure you have other things to do," she said quickly.

I shook my head, walking over to her. She didn't step back- she just looked at me, the red blooming in her cheeks again. God, she was adorable.

"Don't worry about that. Tonight, I am at your service," I said gently, smiling down at her, and in an instant the atmosphere changed. A warmth sprang up between us and filled me completely, and it was closer to perfect than anything else I could remember. I really could have kissed her right then.

I could see her throat work as she swallowed, gazing back up at me with wide eyes. I wondered if she felt the connection that had spun itself around us.

"What can I do?" I asked softly.

She blinked a couple of times, glancing away, until her gaze settled on a small box in the corner.

"The photos…" She looked back at me. "Could you put my photos up for me?"

I smiled at her again, and as I went to get the box, I felt honoured that she'd entrusted her most precious possessions to me, and pleased that she'd given me the most enjoyable task.

It was one of the happiest, most carefree evenings I'd had in far too long. Surrounded by the warm glow of Tohru's bedside lamp, chatting to each other easily as we moved about the room, and hearing her laugh, really and truly laugh with me, I felt I'd finally regained something I thought I'd lost forever. Tohru was so relaxed, and her smile came so easily; I couldn't help looking at her, all the time, and every time I caught her eye, she'd offer me that sweet smile of hers. We ended up putting the pictures up together, sharing memories over each one as we went, comparing ideas on where best to put each one. Teasing her was easy, like it used to be, and I could even push aside the fact that this was Akito's doing, and that this happiness wouldn't come without a price that we would both have to pay, sooner or later. The outside world seemed like a long-gone nightmare, and I hoped I'd never fall asleep again. Believing in that hope, and seeing Tohru's smile, I came to a new resolution.

Whatever Akito was scheming, I wouldn't let him make Tohru suffer. I wouldn't be a passive bystander anymore. For once, I wouldn't be selfish.

I told myself, again and again that night, that every time Akito lashed out at Tohru, I would take her out of harm's way. Any time he insulted her, I would comfort her. If ever he broke her, I would mend her.

And if he ever corrupted her, god help me but I would make him live to regret it.


	7. Only Nearly

A/N: Whoot, another chapter is here. Took a bit longer to write this one, but the next one should be easy- I'm quite looking forward to it. Mehe.

Once again I want to say thank you to everyone who is reading this story, and I really appreciate the reviews you leave. There were some really great ones for the last chapter, and it really spurred me on writing this one. **Darkest Aphelion**, I don't think your review was too long, I really enjoyed reading it, and I'm really glad you think the story is unique, because that's one of my top aims for it. **Wolfwood**, I'm glad you love it and I appreciate the way you always leave a review, it makes me feel loved, lol. **Celestialgoddess13**, what can I say, you're far too nice to me and I'm gonna get a huge ego soon- but I loved that you picked out the bit I liked the best from the last chapter, too; it's like we're on a similar wavelength or something, hehe. I'm glad to hear you're writing a story too, **InsaneBlackHeart**, but I'm sorry I won't be able to read it- I just don't read m/m pairings, it really isn't personal, they just aren't my taste. But good luck with the story! Thank you for reading and reviewing,** Rinagurl13**, I'm glad you're enjoying the story. I'm glad you were so excited to be in my author's note, **meepghost**, and you're in this one, too, lol. And watch this space for Ayame, I've got some plans for him, hehe.

So here is the latest chapter, I hope you like it.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls **

Chapter Six

**Only Nearly**

A slow blink of the thickly-lashed eyes; a softly in-drawn breath, gliding over the silvery darkness between us, and there she was. Close, and watching me.

It didn't intimidate me. I felt my own power and control in the situation, knowing what I was capable of, and what she was capable of, and prepared to use it however I wanted. My knowledge was my power, and I knew her well enough by now.

I knew that if I gazed up at her through my lashes, she'd get this soft look around her eyes. I knew just how to slide my fingertips down her arm, so that she'd shiver just the tiniest little bit that you wouldn't even notice if you weren't watching her expression as she did it; that closed-lidded, lips-parted expression of half-surprise and half-pleasure, preoccupied with pure sensation.

Like this, I loved her, when she gave way to me so easily, and her barriers fell uselessly before me. When her eyes could see only me. Like this, I won her.

My eyes opened slowly, and I gazed up at the familiar ceiling.

The room was bathed in silvery-blue moonlight, floating over the slinking shadows, and my breathing was a soft rhythm in my ears. I lay there calmly, not even wondering what had woken me.

I'd had that dream again. That was the third time I'd dreamt of her that week, and she was the wrong person. I didn't want to think about her. It didn't matter anymore.

I turned on my side.

I'd moved my bed so that it was parallel to Tohru's, on the other side of the paper screens. I don't know if it comforted me, or made me even more acutely aware of the space between us that just wouldn't close; I hadn't decided yet. But I couldn't stop thinking about her.

Tohru.

Sweet, endearing, clueless, sunny Tohru.

'_I think she'd do anything for you, Shigure.'_

I could feel my mouth harden, lips pursing in a thin line as I pushed back the unwanted words, echoing through my mind with that distinctive, insidious hiss.

Tohru was too innocent.

'_I think she'd sleep with you if you asked.'_

"I don't want to," I whispered indifferently, the lie so incredibly obvious it was almost funny.

At that moment, something moved by the sliding door that hid Tohru from me, and my eyes caught the edge of the movement; barely anything more tangible than if the shadows themselves had slid back into place where something had just been.

I shook my head, a small, awkward movement against my pillow.

"Not again," I whispered.

Again.

I rose in near-silence, the only sound the soft sigh of the sheets as they slid back onto the bed, and the floor felt cool against the soles of my bare feet.

I didn't bother to put a shirt on, or smooth my scruffy hair. I only wanted to see her. I just wanted to be sure she was still okay before I went back to sleep.

The door slid open with minimal noise, and the room beyond was quiet and peaceful.

My gaze went unhesitatingly to Tohru's bed, but it was empty, the covers moved aside and slightly rumpled. Alarmed, I glanced around the shadowy room, until a small sighing sound fixed my attention on a small figure curled up by the window, almost invisible in the darkness beneath the sill.

Tohru sat back against the wall, her knees up against her chest, arms encircling herself- defensively or comfortably, I didn't know- and her head was tilted back so that she could gaze uninhibited up at the night sky beyond the glass.

I hesitated, uncertain if she was sleepwalking again or simply lost in a world of her own, and hadn't noticed me enter.

She looked so peaceful, sat curled up there beneath the window, the moonlight just brushing the top of her head, but to me, there was a sense of loneliness, too: the distant look in her eyes, silvered by the tentative light of the half-clouded night sky, and the moonlight-limned window, perfectly clear but for a hint of frost at the corners; tiny, intricate patterns of barely-visible ice.

"Tohru-kun?" I said softly, venturing closer to her. She didn't move.

I moved closer still, and dropped carefully to a crouch beside her, leaning over to gaze into her face. She didn't seem to register my presence at all.

I watched her with concern for a few seconds, before she suddenly shook her head slightly, a slow, unhappy movement, especially when combined with the anxious expression that had crept over her face.

I reached for her hand, but she moved, a slightly fretful, nervous action, getting up and pausing there, stood by the window, swaying ever so slightly, as if unable to find her balance properly. I got up, too, but she still hadn't noticed me, her gaze fixed on the highest stars outside.

"Tohru," I said again, but she didn't hear.

Her arms lifted and her hands reached mechanically for the clasps on the window, undoing them and then pushing the glass slowly until the window was wide open.

Her hands came to rest on the sill, and the air that poured in was chill and unforgiving, sweeping over my bared skin with a swift satisfaction. I shivered, but moved closer to Tohru, leaning into her gently, her back warm against my chest and stomach. I closed my eyes for a moment, before whispering into her sweet-smelling hair, "What are you doing, Tohru?"

She moved her lips as if speaking, but I couldn't hear what she said, no more than the last few words, a whispered, "-so sad."

It made something inside me hurt, the way she said it.

"Is it you who's sad, Tohru?" I asked gently, laying a hand carefully over one of hers, protecting it from the cold air outside. She didn't react to the touch.

"No…" she replied, in a hazy, dreamy voice, shaking her head slightly, the movement making her whole body sway a little. I let my body support hers, aligning myself against her back and trying not too inhale too deeply, afraid I was losing the battle before it had even started.

"…Yuki's sad."

My eyes flicked open, wide, and I stared into Tohru's hair, suddenly lost and unsettled.

"Where is he?" I asked carefully, just about managing to keep my voice to a whisper.

"He's…" She turned her head to look straight through me, but her searching eyes didn't seem to find anything, and her sentence went unfinished.

I was already lost.

Turning her head had brought our faces inches from each other, and her lips, slightly parted, caught and held my attention, and I could feel everything inside me yearning to kiss her, just kiss her, she wouldn't even remember it and no one would ever have to know, and her back was so warm against my chest, all my senses full of that soft warmth, and the sweet smell of her skin and hair, and her eyes, and _her_, just her.

I knew I was leaning closer, and that I was about to do something completely reprehensible, something I'd probably condemn myself for in the morning, but some small part of me wanted it to mean something more, to be different this time. I wanted it to be real and true, not like the rest of my life as I knew it. I wanted her…

"_I think she'd kiss you if you wanted her to."_

As the cold voice swept through my head, a chill breath of air danced over the back of my neck, and I froze.

Tohru was still looking right through me. She didn't even know I was there.

I was playing right into Akito's hands, and I wasn't the only one who knew it. When I pulled deliberately back, and turned to search the darkness of the room behind us, I wondered if I was imagining it again.

Nothing but shadows and moonlight.

And that sense of something more, again. I could practically feel the silent judgement.

"You're right," I admitted quietly, moving away from Tohru, giving her one last longing look. "For once, I agree with you."

I reached round to close the windows, taking Tohru's hands gently out of the way before I fixed the panes heavily back in place. She didn't resist me when I guided her back to her bed.

As I slid the door shut on temptation, confining myself to my rightful space once more, I heaved a heavy sigh. I wanted to be imagining it, but somehow, I just knew I wasn't. And Tohru's whispered words hung heavily in my thoughts for hours before I finally fell asleep once more.

* * *

"Sensei!" The cry outside my door was followed by the thump of someone trying to wrench the door open, finding it locked and losing their balance at the unexpected resistance.

I took a sip of my tea and adjusted my glasses slightly.

"Sensei!" It was more of a yelp that time, quite high-pitched, somewhat distraught. I sniffed, and turned the page of the book I was reading.

"_Senseiiiiiiiii!_" There was repeated thumping of someone bashing their fist against the wooden frame of the sliding doors. I would have got up to let my shrieking editor in, but I was actually quite unable to- it was really a very interesting book. I took another slow sip of my tea.

"Let me in!"

I yawned, waited a moment, and called back, never taking my eyes off the page, "I can't, I'm getting dressed- it would be indecent of me to let you in when I'm naked." I scratched at my cheek absently.

There was a short silence.

"Are you tricking me again?" came a small voice.

I smiled to myself, reading on.

"Why would I ever trick you? You're my wonderful, caring editor who comes to visit me even when I haven't written anything for weeks." I shuffled down a little bit in my chair, finding a slightly more comfortable position.

There was another small silence.

"Does that mean you still haven't written anything?"

There was a definite trembling of the lower lip behind that tone.

"Dear me, no!" I exclaimed, turning another page.

"Then you have?" she cried hopefully.

"Of course not!"

"SENSEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" She pummelled the door until it rattled, as I calmly put my book and tea down and walked over to the door. When I slid the lock aside and pulled the door open, she lost her balance and stumbled.

"But it's all right, Mi-chan," I told her brightly. She gazed up at me with wide, tear-filled, please-let-this-be-good-news eyes.

"Yes?"

"Yes. Because I'm thinking of giving up writing all together!" I said cheerfully.

She burst into tears. I shut the door.

* * *

When I sat down to dinner that night, only Tohru and Momiji were there. I looked at each of them quizzically.

"Where's Kyou?" I asked, noticing there was only food for three, as well. It wasn't unusual for Hatori to be absent- he ate with others rarely, and worked late often. But Kyou always ate with us.

Tohru poured some water for me, and I smiled a thanks at her. Momiji, bouncing a little as he reached for his chopsticks, said enthusiastically, "Oh yes, because Kyou's away tonight, you know? And Haru's gone with him!"

"Haru did?" I echoed, raising an eyebrow.

"Nn, because they're training, you know? They used to train together a lot when they were kids, didn't they?"

Couldn't really argue with that, I supposed.

Tohru seated herself. "Please, help yourself to the food- it'll get cold otherwise," she said politely.

"Yep!" Momiji beamed as he reached for the fish.

I looked over his head at Tohru, catching a brief expression of sadness on her face, quickly hidden as she ducked her head to sip her water.

"But you know," Momiji continued, his voice softer and his smile more subdued, "They probably need each other a little, now that Yuki's gone. They'd be sad if they had no one to practise with."

I blinked, and glanced at Tohru again, but her face was still hidden. "Kyou only picked fights with Yuki, Momiji. I wouldn't class that as practise."

Momiji turned his head slightly to look at me, and the small smile was a knowing one, his eyes seeming to pity me for realising so little so late.

"He got stronger, didn't he?" he reasoned, voice quiet. "Yuki taught Kyou an awful lot. Maybe they liked that it only looked like fighting. Maybe it _was_ only fighting at first, right? But I think," he added, looking away, gazing up at the ceiling, "I think they helped each other a lot with their fighting."

I remembered, abruptly, finding Kyou alone in his room exercising that day, the music so loud it must have blocked out any thoughts other than the drills from his mind. I wondered what exactly he was trying to block out, and I knew it had a lot to do with that one-sided conversation in Yuki's room that night, which seemed so long ago, now.

Tohru lifted her head, the movement catching my eye and bringing me back from my thoughts. There was the faint glimmer of tears in her eyes, yet she had the sweetest smile on her face.

"Ah, I'm sorry, Tohru! I made you cry!" the rabbit exclaimed, reaching for Tohru hesitantly as if unsure what to do.

Tohru shook her head. "I just thought you were right," she said, the slightest wobble in her voice. She glanced at me over Momiji's head as he bounced anxiously, and when I smiled gently at her, her smile widened, just one moment of connection, until she looked away.

It seemed that was all we had- just those moments, and everything was sad and tired between each one, but I didn't mind it. We had nothing spectacular or exciting, nothing anyone else would remember or even notice. What we had was simple and small, but I'd learnt to live for it.

If I could have done it without Momiji noticing, I would have reached for Tohru's hand, and just held it for a while. As it was, I just smiled and waited for the next moment.


	8. On The Outside

A/N: This week brings another change of pace for you. It's shorter than the usual chapters, same as with the last interlude, but I like it as it is. I hope you do too.

Thank you again to my reviewers- all three of you get hugs from me, hehe.

Here's the latest, then. Enjoy.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls**

Interlude II – Kyou

**On The Outside**

We've been in the main house for a while now, and I couldn't wait to get away from that place. It's as boring as it's always been, and Akito is still skulking around, giving me these nasty looks, like he's so superior to me- it makes me sick.

Tohru's been made a housekeeper- big surprise there- and she's thrilled about it. I have no idea why. Akito watches her a lot, too. If I could, I'd kick his creepy ass right out of here. I hate the way he looks at her. It's like she's a game to him or something.

Shigure watches her, too. Damn dog. I know he thinks no one's noticed, but I have. It's hard not to. Every mealtime, he'll be watching her over his glass when he drinks, like he thinks the glass is hiding his face when he does it. It's really obvious.

I know he's up to something, but he won't talk about it. He always jumps off the subject- or just runs away. Damn coward.

Haru's been hanging around with me a lot lately. I didn't see him that much at the other house- he'd be lost three days for every day he actually spent with us, he's got no sense of direction at all, completely pathetic- but since we moved in, he's come round and we've practised together.

I thought he was in Black mode or something when he first appeared in my room, but he just said he wanted someone to exercise with.

It wasn't so bad. He's gone Black a couple of times, but he does that anyway now and again. And it's not like I can't take him. He's got stronger, though. I think that training he did with Yuki a couple of years ago made him better. I think they were planning to carry on, actually- but then the rat got ill, and they stopped. Yuki never got as strong as he used to be after that. Before, I could tell he was pulling his punches, but after the illness, I knew he was giving it more of himself and only getting the same results. Not that we fought as much after, but anyway. Haru got better, Yuki got worse, and I just stayed the same, I think.

It's really frustrating. I've tried hard for a long time now, and I still don't seem to get much better. I can't afford to get worse though. Master Kazuma's been taking on new students lately, and I really want to go and help him teach, but he hasn't mentioned it at all yet. I know he had the same idea as me, but he hasn't brought it up. I'm just not good enough yet, I guess. It's really annoying though. I just want to be out of this damn house, with Akito keeping everyone under his thumb and no one bothering to do anything about it.

This winter's been really cold, too. I hate winter. And I hate cold weather. Every day I look outside and there's frost all over the place. At least it hasn't made me turn into a cat yet.

I wasn't too impressed when Haru suggested this training trip- he was talking about camping and forests and god knows what. But I know I need the practise, if I'm ever going to go help Master Kazuma teach. And it would mean getting away from the house.

That's how I ended up here, sat by a little crackling fire in the middle of nowhere, with the moon already up and _some _kind of animal yowling in the distance, and ox boy sat next to me. Staring at me.

I ask why he's staring at me, and he gets this flat, 'you know why' look and tells me I have 'anger management problems'. Really rich coming from someone who had to develop a split personality to deal with his own anger issues. I tell him that, and he says I'm stupid.

So I get up to kick his ass, and he just shakes his head, and says, "I don't want to fight now."

"I thought that was the whole point of this trip!" I point out.

"Nn…" he says, looking really vague, as if I just said something in another language and he thinks he should just agree to shut me up. "But I think you just need some time out."

Haru's got a gift for being really hard to understand when he spaces out like that. I ask him what he meant by that, and he just tilts his head at me and asks, "You hate that house, don't you?"

Of course. I tell him that.

"But it's not because of the way people treated you there when you were younger. And it's not because of Akito."

It is, actually. The Akito part, anyway. I don't give a damn about the rest of it anymore. Everyone else can go to hell, including you.

He ignores the 'including you' part like I didn't even say it. "No, it isn't Akito," he insists. "It's because you can't forget about Yuki."

Haru has a really knowing look on his face as he says that, and I just can't be angry at him like I want to be.

So I just stop looking at him, and stare at the fire instead. That's one good thing about camping- fires. There's nothing as warm as a fire out in the open at night.

"I miss him too, you know," Haru says. I just grunt. I don't want to think about it.

"I wanted to ask you what happened."

I just sit there for a second, feeling it sink in, remembering how it felt, yelling at Yuki, and all the words he'd said, exactly the way he'd said them. I remember again, one more time, as if remembering it just as perfectly all those times before just wasn't enough, the sight of the car hitting his body and the way he'd been knocked clear across the street- how he'd hit the ground, crumpling at an impossible angle. It just wasn't ever enough, was it? And I get this thought in my head, clearer and sharper than anything else- will I be remembering this for the rest of my life, just as perfectly as this? Will I be carrying it in my head forever?

It fills me up for a second, but when Haru's question sinks in, it really pisses me off.

"So you only wanted to hang around with me so you could find out more about Yuki? Is that it?" I demand, pushing out all the pictures and sounds in my head, glaring at him and feeling my hands go into fists. I don't even know why it makes me so mad- I just know I feel used and second best, once again, to that damned rat. That damned rat, who always looked so smug and calm when he beat me time and time again, who always had this 'I'm better than you and you know it' look in his eyes, always so sure of himself, and so strong even though he was so weak, and so sad, and so lonely I could have killed him- who never even tried to live his life after Akito ruined it, who gave into defeat from _everyone _except me- who I never, ever won against, and now he's dead and I'll never win against him! I can't stand him!

Haru just looks at me, this deep look that goes right through me. It makes me feel cold and almost invisible.

"You know that isn't true, Kyou," he says quietly. "I like you for you. Same as I liked Yuki for Yuki."

Just like that, all the tension sweeps out from under us. I feel pretty empty, with all the anger suddenly gone.

"You're a perverted bastard," I tell him.

"You're an idiot."

I glare at him, but we both know I don't really mean anything by it.

He leans into me and rests his head on my shoulder.

"What are you doing?"

He lets out a little sigh. "Enjoying the fire," he says, in that really calm way that pisses me off. Except it doesn't piss me off so much this time. I think I'd already been mad enough for one day, or something.

"Do you have to do that?" I complain half-heartedly, but he just reaches over to grip a handful of my shirt, a lot like how he used to do with Yuki, as if he was afraid Yuki would vanish if he didn't hold onto him.

I'm not impressed, but for once, I think I actually understand what he's thinking. It's like we know we can't escape the house often, or for long, but there _is_ a world outside it, where things can be different.

Outside it, we can just be a couple of guys who miss someone they were close to. Just a couple of guys missing a friend who'd died.

I can relax a bit now, when I think that. Like just accepting that Yuki had been something like a friend made it a bit easier to deal with. I couldn't stand him. I still can't stand him. But he had to have been a friend. You don't take advice from people you don't give a damn about. And I still remember his advice.

'Then live your life.' That was all. One big cliché, and one he didn't even apply to himself, but I know he was right. Tohru had been saying it all along.

And Tohru.

You don't give up the one person you care about the most to someone you hate. That's how I knew I didn't hate Yuki, by the end of it. Because I knew he was better than me, and that Tohru deserved the best. It wasn't me. In that one thing, I did accept defeat from the rat.

Haru lets out another little sigh.

"Can you still see him?" he asks.

I knew it. I can't have been the only one.

"Yeah," I admit, after a little pause.

"Out here, I mean."

"Oh. No," I say, looking around properly for the first time, and seeing only the big bright light of the orange fire, and the star-covered sky above it. "I can't see him out here."


	9. Still As Clear

A/N: Hello again. Chapter Seven is here- I'm kind of surprised myself, heh. But anyway, it's a longer chapter than any of the previous ones, and I worked really hard on this one, so, once again, I hope you like it.

Thank you to everyone who review- R Junkie in particular, for your very fair and honest critique, some points of which I'm definitely bearing in mind. I'm aiming to correct the ways characters address each other- I have been trying to stick with the anime/manga, but I obviously haven't done enough checks, so that's my fault, and I'm planning to do something about that. Though I'm sticking with each character thinking of others without honorifics- I tried it with them, but it all seemed too cluttered and unnatural, which was why I took them out. Your point about Shigure and Tohru getting together… Well, it says in the summary that this is a Gureru fic, so yes, they are a couple in this story, and that's not going to change. I agree Shigure has been a little too preoccupied with the situation with Tohru, though I don't think he's unaffected by Yuki's death. It's simply that, even in his thoughts, he doesn't want to face up to his real feelings about all of that. Though I am planning to develop and reveal that further throughout the story- same as I'm planning to reveal more of what exactly happened the day Yuki died, and the days leading up to it. And yes, Ayame, Hatori and Haru are all going to get more attention as the story continues.

Thank you for your feedback, it was genuinely appreciated, and I'm glad you're planning to continue reading this story.

So, without further ado, here's the next instalment.

* * *

**And The Snow Falls**

Chapter Seven

**Still As Clear**

"_Doctors make the worst patients you know, Ha-san," I chided Hatori cheerfully, as I hunted in a drawer for the cotton pads and antiseptic wipes._

_The doctor merely grunted as he stepped over, pushing my hands aside and getting the materials out for me. I let him take charge for a moment, standing back and watching his profile, void of expression but for a small frown of preoccupation with his task._

_Smiling and laughing was so easy; putting a brave face on things, acting like nothing bad had ever happened in the history of humanity, let alone the Sohmas. It had always come naturally to me, but every now and then, something like this would happen, and the instinct, or talent, or desire, or whatever you want to call it, would be pushed further into me and made stronger, so that the next time, it would be even easier to do. And there was always a next time, obviously._

_Obviously. _

_Practically ignoring me, Hatori walked away, going through the open doorway to the small reception room beyond, and standing in front of the tall mirror there. He didn't stop to look at himself, only lifting his hands to his head._

_I'd trailed after him, and at that moment, seeing the complete lack of emotion in his face as he moved to deal with himself so clinically, I inserted myself between Hatori and the mirror, blocking his view completely._

"_You said I could play doctor today, Ha-san!" I cried petulantly, shooing his hands off as he'd done to me moments earlier._

_He frowned ever so slightly, but obeyed, looking away from me, focus lost somewhere beyond the wall over my shoulder._

"_Your hair's in the way," I complained. He held it up out of the way without a word, and I accepted his help without comment._

_The bandages were fixed expertly, and I could imagine him doing them the night before, alone and silent, fingers moving deftly over the point of pain. He'd been doing them by himself most of the time since the wound was inflicted, except the day it happened. _

_I didn't want to think about that. So I smiled as I unwound the cotton carefully from Hatori's head._

"_It's getting somewhat better, isn't it?" I said brightly, as the last of the bandage came away, and I gently, very gently, lifted the pad of cotton from his eye._

_Beneath the bandages, which softened the visible effects of Hatori's injury, was outraged flesh, originally black and red with bruising, now faded to sickly purples and browns, and around his eye were dark scabs, a few thin and small, one particularly ugly one across his eyelid. His eye still hadn't opened yet._

_I remember how crusted with blood his whole eye had been, and how a part of me, that part that is unemotional, almost inhuman, about everything, wondered how much it would sting when he cleaned it, and whether the healing of it would itch terribly._

_It was like a fascination- almost identical to that same interest that makes children show off their various injuries to each other in the playground, a whole group gathering excitedly around to see the mess hidden beneath the bandages, making disgusted sounds even as their faces light up with enthralment._

_That could have been me, when I hounded Hatori down in his office that night. He didn't even have to say Akito's name. I knew. It was so incredibly obvious, I could have laughed. Only it hurt. _

_I don't want to think very much about how much it hurt, to see Hatori the way he was that night._

_It wasn't just the physical injury, and that was horrifying enough, the crimson blood dripping between his fingers as he clutched defensively at his face, and the abuse his hand couldn't hide; it was what I knew it meant. His happiness had been stolen. And I knew I couldn't get it back for him. I'm clever, but not in the way Akito is._

_Ayame was there, of course. I wondered if he'd seen it coming, somehow. For someone so relentlessly optimistic, he always seemed to sense the clouds on the horizon before most people. That hadn't stopped him smiling at Kana and making her feel welcome with the rest of us, back when it was almost believable that she and Hatori could live happily ever after._

_I saw a side of Aya that night that I'd never seen before. I saw how his eyes looked when they were wide and dark with fear, and he actually cried when he finally managed to coax Hatori's hand away from his eye._

_There were no dramatics, no speeches that could gloss over or outdo this situation. Hatori's blood drowned the hope in all of us that night, and, remembering it, all I can see clearly are the silhouettes of the two of them, Ayame bending over Hatori, a hand clutched at his stomach as if he were in physical pain himself, the other hand tentatively reaching to cup Hatori's cheek tenderly, fingers colouring with darkening blood, and Hatori, his head bent, shoulders stooped, shaking slightly, whether with pain or grief I didn't know. Kana, not really in my picture, had been sobbing in the corner, somewhere in the shadows, according to my memory, but I'm sure my recollection was becoming stylized and characterised by emotion rather than fact by that point, as all memories do._

_And, half-invented or heavily exaggerated though it may have been, that image stayed with me for the longest time. It's still there, stark and sharp in the back of my mind._

_It was behind my eyes as I surveyed Hatori's wound in the watery daylight of the reception room. _

_Maybe that was why I didn't want him to see his reflection. I wanted to save him the trouble of a similar image cluttering up his mind. He already had the image of Akito's rage to live with. And Kana's pain, which my friend felt to a depth I didn't wish to grasp. It was too similar to what I'd already felt before, myself._

_Hatori accepted my ministrations without a word, as I took the antiseptic pad from his hand and wiped the injury gently, careful not to get too close to the sore, slightly swollen line of his closed eye. _

_Only once I'd re-covered the wound and stepped away did he look at me again, and speak. Glancing at his reflection, he settled a dissatisfied stare on me._

"_You're terrible at wrapping bandages, Shigure," he said flatly._

_I laughed at him as he re-wrapped it himself, feeling relieved that he left the cotton pad in place over his eye._

_I didn't want him to look at it. He didn't need to see what Akito had done to him._

_I'd already seen it for him. And though I knew that wasn't enough, I wanted it to mean I'd saved him, just a little bit._

_If you can actually save someone just a little bit. Because I don't think I'm capable of saving anyone completely._

* * *

I blinked and came back to myself at the sound of the door opening.

Perhaps it was the renewed ties with old friends that brought the memories clamouring back that day. Perhaps it was the feeling of abandoned sensibilities within me, which had been growing quietly for so long, that wanted to suddenly rebel against my internal demands for nothing but trivialities and peace.

Either way, it was coming back to me more clearly than it had in a very long time.

"Ahh," Ayame sighed loudly and blissfully as he settled himself next to me, stretching luxuriously as if he hadn't had a moment's rest in weeks. "It's so truly wonderful to see you, Gure-san! This great adventure called life, with all its turmoil and demands, has kept you from me for so long! I began to think you'd forgotten me altogether. Don't tell me someone else is keeping you satisfied in my place?" He turned to look at me askance, cocking his head slightly with a suggestive grin.

I let the customary sly smirk slide onto my face, glad to know nothing had really changed. "Never, Aya," I assured him, letting his dramatics catch onto me as they always had. "I need only you, you know that, mon cher."

Aya laughed, an impossible mixture of flattered suitor, delighted child and victorious competitor. I loved him all over again, the way I had done since early childhood; it was his mass of innate contradictions that caught me, and the way he distracted me so completely from life in general.

We'd set aside the day to spend some time together, and I was happy he'd demanded it. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to bridge the strange gap that had appeared between us, lacking the blasé disregard for circumstances that was one of Ayame's many talents.

"So what did you want to do today, Aya?" I asked, smiling.

He lifted a hand to his chin, grinning smugly and posing shamelessly. "I _was_ planning to remind you why you can't live without me, Gure-san, darling, but now I know that Tohru-kun is residing in the next room, I can't bring myself to damage her innocent ears with the sounds of our _most mutual_ pleasure," he announced charitably.

"There will be another time, Aya," I intoned, and Ayame's eyes sparkled at me, as pleased as ever with our game, knowing I was the only one who'd play it with him. We'd always had a healthy respect for each other's inner child.

"Did you have any other ideas, then?" I prompted with amusement.

"Un," he smiled, "I thought we could visit Yuki today."

Something in my face seemed to go numb- it felt as if the muscles around my mouth had frozen up, and my chest constricted.

"Are you sure?" I asked, all silliness chilled to heavy concern, weighing deep in my stomach. I didn't like it when Ayame was serious about anything. It contradicted my understanding of the universe.

Ayame nodded. "Of course- when have I ever been unsure about my cute little brother?" He was acting as if it didn't mean as much to him as it did- as if it didn't pain him the way I knew it had to.

Trying to ignore the foreboding in my still too-tight chest, I gave in, standing up and offering Aya a hand.

"Come on, then," I said, trying to smile.

* * *

"_My dear Akito," I greeted him, dropping easily to kneel in front of him, watching him watching me. The slatted windows let in bars of weak mid-afternoon sunlight, which fell pale and wan over Akito's softly patterned clothing, his clean, untrimmed hair, his ivory skin._

"_Am I so dear to you, Shigure-san?" he asked, his voice a silver-edged promise of thunder, strung out thin in the air between us. The bitterness was more apparent in his voice than usual, defiance overshadowing it; he was always defiant when he did something that completely crossed yet another line._

_Hatori was little more than just another line to him, and any regret he felt at trampling over that line was superficial and meaningless- as meaningless as my constant half-wish that I would someday tell Akito what I thought of him, knowing that I never would, my own self-judgement left as disregarded as it had always been._

_That was how I could move closer to him, and reach out to smooth his hair with a touch that was almost like a lover's caress. I could pretend to the rest of the world that I was still content; I could pretend to myself._

"_Of course," I said softly, seeing the expected shift in Akito's features, still only able to guess at its meaning._

_Could he even feel satisfaction?_

"_How is his eye?"_

_The question fell clumsily into the quiet, surprising me. Before I could think of an answer that wouldn't provoke him, Akito said abruptly, "I don't care. I don't want to know. He deserved it anyway."_

_Just like that, he drew back from me- not suddenly, as if I were something disgusting to him, but slowly and deliberately, as if I were simply not important enough anymore. His whole body rejected my presence, turning away and curling in slightly, hair dropping forward to hide his eyes from me._

"_Go away now," he said._

_I bowed and obeyed._

_It was something I excelled at._

* * *

Ayame's robes swayed half-heartedly in the light breeze as he walked two steps ahead of me. I could feel a heaviness in the air that was familiar, almost as if it had always been there and I'd forgotten about it for a while. I didn't try to find excuses to laugh. There really wasn't anything to laugh about at that point.

The cemetery was just as I remembered it from the funeral; the trees as bare, the shadows possessing just the same watery, hesitant quality, trailing from the gravestones and the sad old trees.

All over again, the desolation rose up and stole over me, just as it had then. Only this time, I didn't have Tohru's hand to hold onto.

There was a light frost around the edges of Yuki's name, etched deep and clear into the new-cut stone. That name, which was all that remained of him. That, and a handful of people who wouldn't forget him.

It hadn't seemed so completely unbelievable, before.

Hadn't he been in the hall only yesterday, asking Tohru how she'd done on her maths test? Hadn't he been sat with us at dinner only last night, that quiet, meditative presence I'd always wanted to stir up? He'd always had his past hanging over him, a dark cloud I could never seem to lift, and it had always bothered me. The same as Tohru's innocence, and Kyou's wretchedness. It all bothered me.

Ayame didn't say anything for the longest time.

The sky was thick with pale clouds, and the wind grew more and more chill, wandering through the cemetery with a low, mournful whine that got under my skin and depressed me.

Stood there, facing the reality of what Yuki had become- a memory, and a stone- I could do little to ignore the crushing weight of responsibility.

I didn't want it. I'm selfish, I've never excused or denied that. Why should I ever have to feel guilt? I told myself I never would. I'd do what I wanted, and achieve everything I knew I could, and I'd never look back, and never feel any guilt.

That's what makes me the worst of them all. Worse than Akito. I'm very content with that position in the family.

"What happened?"

Ayame's voice was quiet, and there was no laughter to it. It was barely even his voice.

I knew what he was asking. It was the question everyone wanted to ask, the one I'd wanted to avoid forever. The answers were all there in my head, not in words ready to be conveyed easily, but in a fragmented mess of images, emotions and colours I still hadn't made complete sense of.

There was Kyou, sitting with his head in his hands in the waiting room… Walking past that, a nurse with a regretful expression, shaking her head and saying something I could only define as _bad_, the words, 'Nothing we could do' sticking out in my memory, exactly the way she'd said them… Hatori, just looking at me, such an unreadable expression, face half-shadowed by the diminishing daylight from the big windows behind him… The corridor, long and smelling of antiseptic and bleach… The open doorway, and through it, Yuki, lying on the bed, face turned away from me so that all I could see was the tousled hair in that particular shade of purple that was only him. And Tohru, half-sprawled over him, shaking so much it looked painful, her arms around him with a desperate sort of protectiveness. The way I stood staring for a moment, waiting for Yuki's chest to move with his next breath, that single, clear sign that he was alive. The way he never moved.

The rush of grief I'd never, ever wanted to feel.

And again, once again, there was that instinct, pushed so deep inside me, to ignore it and pretend it didn't affect me. _It doesn't affect me._

"He died," I said finally, my voice sounding careless even to me as I spoke those two simple words. "That's what happened."

* * *

_Ayame rushed into the foyer, and I was already waiting for him, leaning against a pillar, feeling my whole body sag against it with a deep-boned tiredness. He saw me almost immediately, and his eyes caught mine, that one instant telling him all he needed to know._

_He shook his head at me as he ran to me, his face unnaturally pale and eyes afraid._

"_Yuki?" he demanded, clutching at the front of my kimono._

"_He's…" _dead. _I didn't want to be the one to say it. Had anyone actually said it yet? Would I have to be the first one to say it out loud? "He's upstairs. Room 27, third floor. Hatori's already up there."_

_Ayame just looked at me a moment longer, as if frozen in place, before his fist unclenched, releasing me, and he moved, hesitated, and moved again, stepping past me towards the elevators._

_I turned my head to watch him go, but he didn't look back. _

_I was glad he didn't. His expression was disturbing to me._

_As I let my glance slide away from him, a movement caught at the corner of my vision. I turned to look, but there was nothing there; only the full-length glass doors, sliding open to let a couple walk out to the car park._

_I still felt as if I were being watched._

_I waited for the moment when I'd feel a little less ashamed._

* * *

"Gure-san… You really are cold. You're so cold, Gure-san," Ayame repeated, and I knew he truly didn't like me for that moment.

But it wasn't my fault. He knew that I was selfish- at least one person had acknowledged that. He'd love me again soon enough, surely.

"Little brother," he said quietly, affectionately. I guessed he was having some kind of inward conversation with Yuki, and I felt detached, unnecessary. But Aya had wanted me there, so there I was, even if he really didn't like me just then. Watching the back of his head as he thought words he wasn't saying out loud, that I wasn't permitted to hear, I accepted it without regret.

I looked up at the dull sky. Would it snow this year? A ragged brown leaf skittered past on the breeze, drawing my gaze. The garden surrounding the cemetery looked so empty and grey. Were there any flowers in spring, or couldn't this place ever wake from its sad dreams?

"It's terribly cold, Gure-san," Aya said suddenly, turning to look at me, his face normal again. "I think we should have some tea."

"Indeed, Aya," I agreed readily. He couldn't dislike me for long.

We left quietly, the frost resisting our footprints, no sign remaining to suggest anyone had been there.

The brown leaf crept across the path, pushed haphazardly by the strengthening breeze; its brittle edges crackled and scraped against the cold stone, a noisy accompaniment to the low, barely-audible moan of the wind.

I shivered, and walked faster.


End file.
